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Downturn Effects: Somali Pirates to Acquire Citigroup

Another hilarious email doing the rounds!

Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

By Andreas Hippin

 November 20 (Bloom berg) — The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup. 

  The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.

 “You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.

 The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden . Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”

 Shandu added, “We don’t call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better.”

 CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION

 *WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE

 *SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP

 *PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,’ WILL PAY OFF

 *KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE ‘FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND’ ‘

 *Moody’s upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA

 *HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW’ PARTICPATION                                               

 *SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK            

 *FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK

 * FED AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS’ NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRATES

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Downturn Effects: New HR designations

Ok, I got this over the email, so it’s not an original piece of work. If this has been put together by you, or by someone you know, insert the name in the comments.

So post the downturn here’s the latest HR designations that your firm can take up!

 

Chief – Head Roller

HR Executive -temporary

HR Executive – permanently temporary

HR Executive – mass layoffs

HR Executive – situationally exploitative removals

Separation Consultant

HOD – Manpower Retrenchment Planning (MRP)

HOD – Mass Emotional Shock Handling (MESH)

HOD – Mass Communicator- Bad News

HOD – Pseudo Promotion

  

Head – HR (RR) – Human Resource (Recrutiment & Removal)

Head – HR (HR) – Human Resource (Hire & Remove)

 Head- HR (ER) – Human Resource (Engage & Remove)

Rajnikant Jokes

Got another set of jokes over mail:

Rajanikanth makes onions cry.

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth’ PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman….. out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

Rajanikanth can play the violin…… …on a piano.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.

Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…… ……… his heart lost.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Rajanikanth?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.